Wandering Through Poland

Ryszard woke me up very early, tapping on my shoulder, saying we had to hurry. I was in no mood to spend another day walking around, but a friend of mine had reminded me to enjoy this, when would I have another opportunity to be here again? I don't think we could have had a more complicated time getting to Berlin. I was confused, because as we were walking to the train, Ryszard kept saying if we missed it, we'd have to hitchhike to the border - and I kept looking at him like he was nuts, but I think he was serious. So I am thinking, ok, then let's run - but he's sort of strolling through the streets, even though we are late. This seems to be a common theme throughout my trip. We made the train, and then got off somewhere and had to take another train, but some woman approached us, and after they spoke in Polish for a while, he said we had to stay by her. After several attempts at an explanation, I think he had bought one "place" on a five person ticket that they had, for one of us, and sort of "borrowed" a month ticket pass that she had. It was cheaper for us, and she made money off of it, so that's great, but I felt very left in the dark for a while! Before we got on the bus (they were taking a bus, not a train), we went to get something to eat - here I noticed one of my first big differences between Poland and NY. Among all the pastries in the bakery, there were flies, just flying around all of the food, landing on it, hanging out around it, like, tons of them - and it didn't bother anyone, and truthfully, it didn't bother me, either (I bought two donuts that I'm sure half those flies had sat on) but I couldn't help thinking, my god, what would a typical American say in this situation? That is another thing I continued to think, throughout my whole trip...

So after a bus, a train, passpot control, another train, we finally arrived in Berlin. I never wanted to go to Germany, I didn't think much of it, but Berlin was amazing. Even the train through Germany was great, the rural areas were so beautiful - the land, and all these little cottage-like houses - I know nothing about architecture, but the material looked like.. adobe? LIke clay. Whatever it was, it was breathtaking, all of them decorated with flowers & gardens & cute shutters & all. I felt bad because all I wanted to do was stare out the window but Ryszard kept trying to make conversation. Berlin was just great, and although Ryszard was good company, I kept wishing I was with a friend instead, as he was more of a tour guide & I would have stopped to see the little things, like a German play they were doing outside. I think Berlin had more tourists than locals. We didn't have much time but we saw a lot, the Berlin Gate, some other things I can't remember, but I have pictures of, hah. My favorite part, though, was when we stopped at a Starbucks (I tried to order "an iced coffee" to which the girl replied - what kind? frappe, mocha, java blah blah - "no, just a regular iced coffee" "I don't understand" "you know - coffee - but cold, with ice" "ohh... we don't have that." But she made it for me, which was very nice), and as we sat outside, we began feeding these tiny little birds flitting around our table some of my muffin. They were so brazen, they began to fly in the air as I was holding it, and taking it from my fingers! They were also catching it in the air as I threw it up, and eventually they came and ate off of the plate. It was just a really nice moment, to sit & laugh and play with the birds, and to relax with Ryszard rather than trying to show me stuff. We also made our way to Potsdam, which was very beautiful, lots of palaces unlike anything I've ever seen. We had a similar situation with the time, he said we had to go yet did not rush me or rush himself, and ended up running to catch a bus, and then the train back to berlin, and then wondering if we were going to make our train at 6 something. Meanwhile, we had to make that specific train to give that lady her ticket back, but when we got there, he didn't even look for her, and we didn't see her. I think the ticket expired that day, too - the whole thing was very strange, to me.

Oh, ok, so, I heard that you should put your things in a money belt, right? I've never travelled before, I don't know what to do, but I went out to get a money belt because that's the best place to keep the majority of your money, and your passport, because apparently you should have your passport on you at all times but guard it with your life. So, throughout this trip, I have on this stupid money belt, with my passport inside, thinking I am so smart, because if my purse gets robbed, I still have my passport! Mind you, we did do a lot of walking, and the weather was warm, but I wasn't sweating. But when I took my passport out of my money belt as we neared the boarder... I almost shit my pants. The front - of course, not the back pages, or the middle, only the FRONT PAGE with my picture and information on it - is all warped, like from water. I assume it was from the humidity and maybe a little sweat. It looked awful, and I really worried that they weren't going to let me back in - it looked tampered with, really. It took some 20 minutes at the border, but we got through. Luckily, the train had dropped us there, to which we switched to another train, so we weren't holding anybody up (on the way there, they came on the bus and checked everyone's passport). I was really worried about it the whole way back, but Ryszard ended up putting it under a book at his house, and the next day it was a little better.

I woke before dawn, and laid still in my bed awhile, as I do every time I wake up here. Ryszard walked in very early, so not after long I got up and went outside to meet him. It was a little awkward, but he was very nice and we started talking right away. We had a lot to talk about, political & cultural differences between Poland & America, etc. His mother went out to the store, came home and prepared breakfast for us, and left again. So we had been talking for a couple hours before we even sat down to eat breakfast, which was some strange pieces of bread, topped with a strange cheese on some, and an even stranger meat on the other. And some tomato slices, on the side. That's it. I drank a lot of glasses of juice (I was so thirsty - last night, all his mother has was carbonated water, which is very popular here, which was flavoured as well, and I hate that - and you cannot drink the tap here, really), and literally choked down one of the pieces of meat (I should have stuck with the cheese - turns out, this is a very popular breakfast and supper. Before I got here, I was not a cheese fan, but I am eating it like a cow). Then we started out on the tour of Gorzow at about 9... and ended about an hour later.

Ok, I'm kidding, but he did show me most of the town within a couple hours. I saw some churches, parks, lakes. We got some ice cream - apparently they call soft-serve ice cream "American" ice cream. It was all very nice, but I was still tired and just trying to remain grateful that this boy took me in as a stranger, but I eventually had to ask if we could go back to the house around 2 (as conversation was thinning, and there was nothing else to see...) and I ended up taking a nap. I woke up a couple hours later, but then Ryszard was sleeping on the couch (oh, well, actually, did I mention that his couch in his living room, which is in front of the table that they eat on, is also his mother's bed?), so I went back to sleep until we both got up around 6pm. He said he had another guest coming, a friend of his, so we rushed off to meet her. Lots, and lots of walking in Gorzow (and, well, in all of Poland). It was about half an hour, maybe a little bit more, to everywhere we went. But we met his friend in a cafe, and she was a very nice girl, spoke English as well. So we went back to his house and Justyna, his friend, had studying to do, so he took me to a swimming pool near his house. Now, my guidebook had told me to steer clean of Poland's public swimming pools, because their sanitary standards are not up to par with ours, and Lord knows I'd never get into a NYC public swimming pool, but the place was actually pretty nice - it had a lap swimming pool (which he wanted to go into, but I couldn't even make one lap), and another room with waist-high pools with three tunnel-slides, and all sorts of strange water massage things, I couldn't explain them - one was a strong current of water wrapped around a few bends, supposed to work out your butt and your legs, I think - it was so strong that even while holding onto the wall, I was being pushed away. There was also a sauna and steam room, both of which I couldn't last two minutes in (I've really got some bad lungs in me...). After that, I passed out again - the next day we had planned to go to Berlin.

The plan, in coming to Poland, was to stay with a woman and her family for two weeks in Gorzow Wlkp., and this woman would teach me Polish. I was paying for food, accomodation, and twenty 45minute lessons. So, I'm going to try to make a long story short. I got off the plane, exausted, but ready to meet my teacher. Poznan is a very small airport, so I walked out and there were some ten people sitting in seats. I stood there for 5 minutes until a timid, expressionless woman approached me and said something that I didn't hear. I asked if it was her, by name, and she said yes, so off we went. She took a train and a bus to meet me there, so that's what we had to take back. However, we took the bus to the Poznan Glowny train station (in much awkward silence; I kept trying to make conversation but it was difficult), and she suggested I check my luggage in a baggage check at the station, so she could show me Poznan. I didn't want to be rude, and she did come all the way out to get me, but I was so exausted, so I said after some hesitation, sure, I could walk around for a little while. She bought some tickets, but again, little communication so I didn't find out until LATER that she had bought the tickets for 5pm. We walked around, ate food and drank coffee in silence, walked a million miles more, sat in front of a lake in silence, and mind you, I haven't slept good in three days, it was about 90 degrees and I was wearing jeans and I had on the same outfit since the day before, I hadn't showered, brushed my teeth, nothing. And seriously, she took me on some 20 minute walk to this lake when I thought my feet were going to break off - I still have huge, broken blisters on both feet. But she seemed not to notice or recognize my pain. I had to (seriously) clench my teeth and tell myself, the pain will only make you stronger, as with each step my blisters tore open more and more. That's all I could do was grin and bear it, the whole day. Eventually, around 3:45 or something, she remembers there is a bus that leaves at 4 to Gorzow, and it is much quicker. So, we try to get there on time, of course we don't, but we pick up my luggage from the train station and walk to the bus station, because she says there is another bus at 5pm. We get there, and there are no buses that run from Poznan to Gorzow in the summer. Now, mind you, I am almost at my breaking point. If my luggage hadn't been there, I would've flipped and walked away, because I didn't want to leave it there. I told my mother I'd call her when I got off the plane, and hadn't gotten a chance because all the payphones in Poland you need a card for.

Mind you - and I realize, that I do not want to be harsh, and all of this is most likely bitterness and justification and rationalization for an impulsive decision, but - she was also very useless. Anything I asked her about Poland, be it about the language, riding buses, trams and trains, buying things, ordering in resurants, payphones - her answer was always either "I don't know, I'm not really sure," or something blunt and brief. So, I asked in a pleading tone, can we take a taxi back to the train station, I'll pay - because I really thought I was going to pass out, or my feet were going to break off. Her answer? Well, we could, but, I don't think they'd take us, it's too short.

I've never heard of a taxi not taking you somewhere because it's too SHORT. Anyway, it wasn't long but it was uphill and I thought I may die, and it was long enough. So long story short (again), we got on the train. My body was screaming for sleep, but, the minute I closed my eyes I felt nauseas. I told her I felt sick, ran into the bathroom and threw up a little. I came back, she didn't say anything (not "are you ok," nothing), and I closed my eyes and felt better, thinking that was what I needed. Well, no more than 5 minutes later I JUMPED out of my seat and just made it to the bathroom before I threw up everything I had inside of me. I mean, everything - it was so disgusting. I really can't remember the last time I puked like that. So I spent the next two and a half hours, while we sat in silence, trying to figure out how to tell her I changed my mind about the program.

When we got off the train in Gorzow, I just told her - I feel really sick, I threw up twice on the train, and I just don't think it's a good time to do this. She (rather expressionless, again) was a little suprised, I guess, and tried to talk me into coming to her house at least for the night, so I could get a good night's sleep, take a bath, and then decide. But I knew if I did that, it'd be harder to say no. As it is, I feel really awful, and have a lot of guilt - and embarrasment - about screwing her over (because really, I screwed her out of 700 bucks, so I'm just really suprised she wasn't screaming at me). But I just stood my ground, and jumped in the next cab I saw.

You may ask, well, where did Jillian think she was going? Well, I had an adress that a Pole in NJ gave me of a friend of his in Gorzow. I just took a cab there, mind you, somewhat forgetting I am in a foreign country where no one speaks English. I also assumed this girl would live by herself. But I get to the adress, and I see her last name on the bell so I ring it, and they let me up. When I get there, an old man holding back a dog has his head peering through the door. "Is Anna here?" he didn't understand. "Anna?" I think he shook his head to show he didn't understand, but I, forgetting that I saw her name on the bell, thought he meant she wasn't there. If I had been thinking, I would have shown him the name and adress, and I would have sat down ahead of time and looked in my phrasebook to figure out how to ask for Anna. But, I didn't think, so, I motioned and asked if I could use his phone and the old man, confused and probably a little scared, shook his head and closed the door.

I walk out to the street, with no idea as to where I am going. I did see a hotel right by the train station, so worst comes to worst I know I am jumping in a cab and going there. But, I had another number from somebody off of the hospitalityclub.org website (which has been the lifesaver of my trip!); the problem? I had no phone, and these payphones here don't take just change!! So, what happened next was really a miracle, I don't know how to explain it. I stood on the street, panicked, frustrated, and scared, and I see a girl walking towards me with a dog. I ask if she speaks English, no. So I try to ask her where there is a payphone, but end up just pointing to it in my guide book. She turns around, and I follow her to a payphone - when I spot it, I see it is the same kind, for which you needed a card (I thought maybe I would luck out and find a "normal" one), so I tried to tell her I didn't have a card - nie karta, I utter, and she then takes me to two or three stores, trying to buy me a phone card, to no avail. Finally she somehow asks where or what the number is, so when I show her it is a number in Gorzow, she hands over her cell phone. I thank her profusely and she dials the number, and again, forgetting where I am, when the woman answers in Polish all I can think to say is - "Ryszard?" She continues in Polish and when I say przepraszam, nie rozumiem po polsku, my aquaintance takes the phone and speaks with the woman for me. Monday and Tuesday, Ryszard is there. Today was Sunday. I did have a cell number, too, so she lets me call that as well.

Finally, I reach someone who speaks English. I explain my situation, and he says with regret that he is in Warsaw for the night, but -- but I cut him off and say no, no, no, it is not a problem, I can go to a hotel I just thought I'd try you - He insists, however, that he will call his mother and tell her that I am coming. I wrote down his address, and the girl who had been helping me took me to a cab, and off I went. That girl was truly an angel.

So was Ryszard's mother, who spoke not a lick of English. I have never met a more hospitable woman, expecially considering the circumstances - I was a stranger and a foreigner. She let me in with a smile on her face, and rushed me into the living room, offering me coffee or tea, and although I had no stomach, insisting that I eat something. So I sat on the couch while she served me coffee - well, what they call coffee. There are a few ways people make coffee here, and it rarely involves an American drip-coffee machine. They have instant coffee, but they also sometimes just put the grinds in the bottom of the cup and add hot water - that is what she did. She put sugar out, but I take milk no sugar, but I was afraid to ask for milk because I thought maybe it was expensive. Poland is not really a poor country, but certainly living is much different from America. I was shocked at the size of the flat. I found out later that the room I was sitting in, the "living room," with the television and couch, is also the room they eat in, with a tiny table in front of the tiny couch. That is understandable, but that room is also where the mother sleeps - so, her bedroom, I guess. So, I ended up pouring most of the coffee out when she wasn't in the room, and shoving down one of the sweets she put out for me, as not to seem rude. She kept trying to talk to me in Polish, something that I think is funny - because I'll do the same thing, I say things to people in English when I know they don't understand. I think eventually you start to understand one another. I asked her if I could use her shower, and then motioned that I would go to bed after that. It was not even dusk, but I just wanted to drop.

As I laid down, all I could do was thank God that I was going to sleep, but I knew in the back of my head that I didn't know where I was, where I was going, and what I had done. I truly had a lot of guilt and uncertainty about not going to Donata's - but I know now, that this is where God wants me to be, so I do not have uncertainty. But still some guilt - she said I was the first American student she ever had - and now probably the last. : )

Well! I have arrived in Poland safe and sound, but not after much trouble, of my own making of course("through our inability to accept personal responsibilities, we were actually creating our own problems"). First, the flight:

I'm sitting in JFK, terminal 1, Gate 05, alone. For some reason I thought my mom would be with me until I boarded the plane but obviously she couldn't get to the gate without a boarding pass. I can't believe I'm doing this. It just hit me this morning. I'm getting small bouts of nausea; my stomach has just been turning all day. Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, how I have no fear. I have so much fear, I say, and they tell me well regardless, you walk right through it with faith. I think I just don't fully think things through so I can't get afraid - sure, why not go to Poland alone for a month. Why not? But why not is exactly right. There's no reason not to, I am living God's will & he has my back. There is so much fear, and I'm not even on the plane - there will be so much more to come. I think it's not that I am willing to walk through fear, but I lock myself in so I have to. I bought the tickets, on a day full of faith and trust, to lock myself in. I had to go, and acceptance becomes trust. I forced myself to have faith. My other options are slim, so I'll choose to believe.

...

We're in the air now. I don't even know if we've straightened out. I'm suprised I haven't thrown up or passed out. I've actually flown maybe six or eight times in my life, the last being when I was 13 or 14, and I don't even remember ever being on a plane. I mean, in my head I know I must have taken that last flight, but there is no semblance of anything - not the airport, plane, seats, boarding, nothing.

...

Dostojewski has me convinced that I am a dreamer. Maybe not in the most extreme sense, but surely, that is what I am - a dreamer. But Dostojewski puts forth that the problem, the danger of being a dreamer is that he will grow so incontent with reality, and in his dreams, isolate himself completely from the outside world, "blunting his talent for real life." My problem is I don't make the distinction, and I try to carry out all my dreams, even the most outlandish, in real life. My downfall will not be a recluzive waste of life but a jarring revelation of the truth one day that I might not be able to handle. Maybe I'm not a dreamer afterall, maybe I'm just delusional. Either way, I'm halfway to Poland.

...

I got to Frankfurt (the first layover) in one piece. The flight was actually very nice, they kept feeding us - I thought all we'd get was peanuts, but we had preztals, then a nice dinner, then breakfast later on, and drinks throughout. It was Lufthansa, if anyone is wondering, but I think it was only so nice because it was an overnight flight - I took them later from Frankfurt to Munich, and it was just an average flight. I think I walked 5 miles in the Frankfurt airport - ok, at least a good 20 minutes of walking. Down hallways, through passport control, down 6 flights of stairs; then down a long hallway (like maybe 4 or 5 manhattan "avenue" blocks), the sides equipped with moving walkways (like a flat escalator - I thought those were only in the movies!) and purple, green, blue & yellow lights that dimmed and flickered - it was like walking through what people back in the day thought the future might look like; like some old sci-fi movie. Germans are crazy, I was thinking. I'm glad I'm on LOT now, heading to Poland. The staff is nice, I tried asking for coffee w/milk (kawa z mlekiem) but she answered me with a long explanation in Polish, so I had to say (in a wavering voice) nie rozumiem... I had the creamer (smietanke) in the box of food I had gotten already. But I'm going to have to get used to that - I can't waste my time & money by being afraid to speak to locals - that's the only way to reinforce what I learn. I kept saying I wasn't going to have anything to do in Gorzow Wlkp., but I forgot that really, I'm sutdying! 20 lessons (45min each) in two weeks, that's more than a lesson a day. I'm acting like I have all this free time. Well, I do have two contacts there, and one said we could take a daytrip to Berlin! I know, I know, I just complained about Germany but it might be exciting. And Wednesday there's a meeting! Ok, time to meet my teacher...